Monday Male - Vegas, Baby #1

Yet another Guest Post from The Boss aka El Jefe.


I have been to Vegas more times than I care to remember.  And anyone who has been to Vegas enough times is bound to have some rather humorous and/or embarrassing stories.  I have my fair share.  


Here is a new Blog segment entitled """El Jefe Goes to Vegas"  From time to time, I will present you with some of my funny Vegas memories.  Enjoy Part One...


So I was talking to a friend a week ago about the time we were in Vegas a while back.  We reflected upon one of the funnier Vegas moments I have ever had.   It was something that made me laugh, and laugh and laugh.  It is kind of one of those "You had to be there" stories, but you still may find some humor in it. 


It was about 1am and it was the last night of the trip. My buddy had been out partying all night and I had been in the casino.  There were four of us in one room and we were finally calling it a night in order to get up early and catch a flight back to Texas.


I have no idea why, but I suddenly said "Screw this.  It is our LAST NIGHT IN VEGAS!!!  I am going to a club and dance!"   I talk my friend Mike into going out as well and we hit the clubs. 


I end up going back to the room at around 3am.  I have lost Mike in this huge 3 story nightclub and figure he is a big boy, he can find his way back to the hotel.  


So the next morning we get up early and check out, leaving our bags with the concierge so we could eat breakfast. After eating a buffet breakfast, we return to get the bags. The guy at the front asks for the ticket and I in turn ask Mike, “Do you have the ticket for the bags?” He reaches in his pocket, which is full of crumpled up money and various receipts. He hands me what he thinks is the bag ticket.



ME:  (examines receipt with interest then bursts into laughter). You ate FOUR McDonalds double cheeseburgers at 4:33am??? WHAT THE HELL??


MIKE: WHAT?? No I didn’t! (I start laughing because I know he would never eat even one McDonalds double cheeseburger. Let alone four.  Mike is a health freak)


ME: It says it right here! Four double cheeseburgers at 4:33! HAHA!!


MIKE: (Now I’m hysterical because Mike is starting to freak out and get a panicked look) I must have picked up the wrong receipt!


ME:  No you didn’t you must have drank so much that you ate the four burgers and you just forgot!! At 4:33!  There goes your healthy living.  Hey, didn't you say last week that you haven't eaten at a McDonalds in over 10 years?  There goes that streak too!


Now, everyone is doubled over laughing.  We have succeeded in causing a scene as people are slowing down to see what is going on.  The baggage guy is not too amused though and is repeatedly saying, "Just let me see the ticket!"


All of a sudden, Mike gets a terrified look across his face.  We all quiet up as he struggles to speak.


MIKE:  Oh My God!!!  I actually do remember what happened.  NO WAY!!  There were like 30 people ordering food and the people working the counter were overwhelmed and couldn't handle it.  I was in there just to get a coke or something, no food. I got the coke and thought she was giving me the receipt.  I just grabbed one that was on the counter.  I guess it wasn't mine! 


ME: YEAH RIGHT!!! HAHAHA!!!  NO WAY is right.  You totally ate the cheeseburgers. 


MIKE: I swear! Why would I eat four double cheeseburgers? I would never do that!  I hardly ever eat red meat anyway.  Give me a break. 


ME: But you did. Here’s the proof! (I hold up the receipt)  We are not buying your story dude!  Give it up! 


MIKE: (A desperate laugh and signs of desperation in his voice) HAHAHAHA!! IT’S NOT MINE! MAYBE SOMEONE PLANTED IT ON ME!!


We continued laughing for another minute or so while Mike tried to convince us that he did not eat the burgers.  Practically screaming as people looked at us like we were crazy.  Remember, we were in front of the Mirage Hotel, at the entrance.  There were probably 40+ people passing by us every minute. 


Maybe it doesn't sound all that funny, but if the guys in The Hangover had put that in their movie, I bet everyone would be laughing their butt off in the movie theater.  Try and act it out sometime.  Hilarious stuff.  Trust me!


Don't they say:  What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas?
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El Jefe's Top 10 Hotties!

El Jefe wrote a guest post here recently about the Top 10 Not-So-Hot-Bitches which was very popular with both the girls and the boys - but mainly the boys coz most of them agreed with The Boss' choices.  Today he Guest Posts again!


Many people wanted to know who I thought were the Top 10 Hot Bitches. Well, wait no longer as I reveal the EL Jefe’s Hottest of the Hot! These are in no particular order. They all have equal hotness. 


Drumroll please…


Megan Fox 


This girl just oozes sex! She is hot and wild and crazy. Megan Fox looks like the type of girl that would be like the energizer bunny.  She would just go on and on and on until you would die of exhaustion.  Seriously, her hotness should be outlawed!


Salma Hayek 


I have always thought she was hot in an elegant, non-slutty kind of way. She would be the perfect girl to take home and meet the parents. Ever since I first saw her in “Desperado” she has always ranked near the top of my top 10 list. 




Alessandra Ambrosio


A Brazilian Model and Victoria’s Secrets girl, she is Hot. Perfect body and perfect face. They just don’t make them like they do in Brazil.


Brooklyn Decker 


She even looks sexy picking her nose in public.


My Wife Liz


The love of my life. She is a MILF extraordinaire. Stay away guys!!!


Gillian aka A Daft Scots Lass


Gotta love the red-heads! Gillian; You got it goin’ on! SNAP!


 
Rihanna 



At first, I thought the red-hair would change her look too much and maybe knock her down a notch or two. 


Then I remember it was Rihanna we were talking about. 


Rihanna is a hottie to the max. She could be bald and she still would look hot. She has a beautiful face and a gorgeous body. And she has that “wild” look about her kind of like Megan Fox. Chris Brown -You really messed up buddy! What a dumbass!


Adriana Lima 


Another Brazilian Model and another Victoria’s Secret model. Notice a trend here from Brazil? I have been to Brazil and I can vouch for the hotness of that country. It defies words. 


Camila and Mariana Davalos 



Twins from Colombia. I was speechless the first time I saw them. Imagine dating both of them, at the same time. I can’t even comprehend the joy that would bring! They also have the perfect asses. 


(Since they are twins, I gave them one spot on the list so I could include more hotties)


Charlize Theron and Candace Swanepoel 



Charlize
Seeing how this blog is from South Africa, I had to include a South African on here. 


I was torn between Charlize Theron and Candace Swanepoel. Both are Hot! 



Candice Swanepoel
In the end, I put them both on the list because I love them both. Actually, South Africa has a plethora of beauties (three made the top 10). 


There are also Vanessa Haywood, Joelle Kayembe and Candace Hillebrand, to name a few. Keep producing the Hotties South Africa


Is everyone in agreement?


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The Top 10 Not-So-Hot Bitches

My buddy El Jefe (he finks he's kewler dan me) wrote a wee guest post for us today. 

Yay, Go Jefster!  

So, off ye go and give him some love and pop in for a visit over at El Blog de Steve aka The Boss aka El Jefe.  He actually has more aka's than a dog could shite!


The Top 10 "Not-So-Hot" Actresses 
by The Boss


I recently posted a picture of a muscular Cameron Diaz on my blog. A friend of mine told me he loved the pic and that he thought she was so hot! I almost gagged! I do not find her the least bit attractive. Dude, you have some weird tastes or something. And my buddy was kind of a wimpy guy. Why would you want to go out with a chick that could kick your ass? You are asking for trouble. She asks a question and you answer wrong -- WATCH OUT! Your ass is goin' down!


Anyway, this got me to thinking about actresses that alot of guys think are hot, but I do not find very attractive at all. I came up with 10 of them in no particular order. See if you agree with me on these:


1. Cameron Diaz 



She has big muscles, which in itself does not make her ugly. I actually like a girl that is fit and in shape. If you have too much muscle, then it is a problem, Female bodybuyilders are not all that attractive. Probably because the steroids they take make their boobs shrink and their face look like a guy. Anyway, there is something else that makes Cameron Diaz look bad to me. It is the fact that she looks "old". Actually, she looks older than she really is. I look at her and I see a lady that looks like she is in her upper 50's or lower 60's. She is starting to get wrinkles in the face. Her body looks good around the shoulders and arms, but what about the rest? Is her tummy and butt getting wrinkled? Does she have stretch marks from working out? These are questions that I want answers too. She just doesn't do it for me. 


2. Renee Zellweger 



First, a fun fact: I went to school with Zellweger. She was taking classes at the University of Texas the same time I was attending school there. A friend of mine claims that we had one mutual friend and were at the same party several times. I have no idea if he is full of it or not. I guess she wasn't hot in college or I would have noticed her, even if it was before she was a star. She looked OK in Jerry Maguire, but not "HOT" This chick goes from anorexic looking to pudgy to frail to fat to normal and back to bulky in a matter of a month. What is up with that? Is that healthy? And her look is just so...boring! She always looks like the plain girl next door that was a little nerdy and very boring. 


3. Sarah Jessica Parker 



My foot (complete with in-grown toenail) is better looking. I hate anytime I ever have to look at her. As a matter of fact, I feel ill anytime I have to think about looking at her. Excuse me while I go to the bathroom to puke. 


4. Hilary Swank 



Not the least bit attractive! I cringe to look at her. She is a great actress, but she will never win any beauty contests. EW!!! Apparently she grew up around the Mount Ayr and Creston, Iowa area. I have several students who are her cousin. That is cool, but she still is kind of ugly. Sorry, I am just being honest...


5. Nicole Kidman 



I have just never seen it in her. She is average looking to me. Not "Hot". I hear people talk of her "intense" beauty and her "sexiness." I do not see it! Maybe it is the red hair but I have reddish hair and people aren't swooning all over me saying how sexy I am!!! By the way, I think she dumped Tom Cruise and is now with Keith Urban because she looked even uglier with Cruise, but with Urban, she looks ok. Let's face it, Keith Urban is no Tom Cruise. 


6. Drew Barrymore 



Not hot at all. She can look sexy in a trashy kind of way sometimes, but definitely not Hot. Not even when she went through her slutty stage was she "Hot." She is not a great actress and she talks funny too. And her past kind of freaks me out too. She was smoking before she hit 10, doing Coke (Yes, the blow!) before she was a teenager and she supposedly lost her virginity at age 12 or 13. WOW! I bet there are street hookers in NYC who were 25 before they had done all the things she did before hitting her teenage years.


7. Maggie Gyllenhaal 



A couple of years ago, she was listed as one of the Top 50 Hottest Actresses by People. WTF!!! HOW? She is Ugly! A complete Dog! Wasn't she in Batman or Spiderman or something like that? What freakin' superhero would want to go out with her? I mean you are a super hero for Christ's sake! Go for a model or other hottie, not Maggie "Bow-Wow" Gyllenhall. 
8. Kirsten Dunst 



Almost as bad as Maggie Gyllenhaal. Not much to look at with her. Plain and can put on the pounds just like Renee Zellweger. 





9. Kristen Bell 



She looks great when she is the only chick in the movie. But when she is in a scene with another average or good looking actress, she looks terrible. It is a pretty good optical illusion - I don't know how she can look so good when she is by herself but look so bad when she is with others.




10. Uma Thurman 



I hear her name from time to time on the "Hot" list. She is a good actress, but when it comes to looks, she doesn't have it. No attraction here. She is like an ugly stick.


Of course, many of you will say "Who are you to judge?" That may be true. BUT...I am your average 30-something dude that makes up middle America. So I think I am more than qualified to judge.
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Monday Male - Through a Bloke's Eyes

My Main Man, El Jefe who has an award winning blog (just like mine, of course) has agreed to become a regular Guest Blogger over here. 

What do you think aboot that? 

Are you as excited as I am?  Not yet?  You will be.   


I think he's fucking hysterical and I'm sure you'll love him too. 

Originally from Ames, Iowa, El Jefe is currently a Spanish and ELL teacher in Iowa coaching football (aka soccer) and basketball.   He's a family man who likes to run, play soccer, read, play the guitar, write songs, and lounge around the house in his boxers. 

Go visit over at El Blog de Steve.



From a Guy’s Point of View…


My buddy and I were talking this week and, as usual, we got to talking about women.  We came to the conclusion that there are a lot of guys on the internet that write about relationships, they act like they know the opposite sex or think they can explain them . I think it is all crap, that these guys don't know the first thing about women. I have dated a lot of women, been around them for most of my life, and I would never say I am an expert on women.  I don't think any guy can.  
Today though I will set a few things straight and explain some undeniable FACTS about the fairer gender.

Women don't poop


I have never seen a woman “lay a log”, nor have I ever heard one express the fact that they got the "green splats."  I bet there is some scientific research out there that says women don't produce any excrement and also don't fart. (sidenote: because of this you can no longer refer to a women's ass as a Hershey highway and you absolutely cannot refer to yourself as her personal brown eyed master.) 

Women like it when you say, "You are just like your mother."

There is no way to end an argument better, she will instantly be happy and will agree with anything you say after that.  If she replies that she will, "cut your willie off for saying that" she is just playing around, but make sure you hide any cutlery in the home just to be on the safe side.
Dutch Ovens are an acceptable, no wait, preferred form of foreplay
Women like the way men smell, this is just a natural extension of this theory. Try it tonight, I am sure she will stay under the covers and not come up for air for a long time.

A casual reminder that a pair of jeans makes her ass look fat is considered to be very helpful

In order to look out for your woman, make sure you let her know, without her asking, that she looks fat in a pair of jeans. They will appreciate you looking out for them.  She may be mad at first, but then she will realize that you are protecting her and actually paying attention to her.  Brownie points galore for this one. 

The most romantic thing you can do after a night of drinking with your friends is to…-

Sneak into the bedroom, take off your pants, and tap her on her forehead with your willie saying, "Mr. Wiggly wants to play." There isn't a more romantic way to wake a woman up, 9 out of 10 women escorts surveyed agree! 


There you have it guys! Make sure you employ this knowledge and these techniques as soon as possible for a happier and healthier relationship. Ladies, there is no need to thank me, I have given you a voice that you have so longed to have
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